Anaconda slithers in with laughs but leaves with a Boar
Next up on my holiday cinematic buffet: Anaconda. Wait, I’m not referring to to the the ‘90s version with its rubber snakes and accents that could make a GPS recalibrate. No, this time we’ve got Paul Rudd (not aging as per usual,) playing a down on his luck actor rallying his equally despondent friends—Jack Black, Thandiwe Newton, and Steve Zahn—to reboot the “greatest” action movie ever. This satire on Hollywood’s reboot obsession is sharp at first but somewhere along the jungle trail gets confusing and eventually becomes downright disappointing. There are golden nuggets amidst the coils however. The boar-on-the-head scene? Perfection! Jack Black portraying the human embodiment of an exclamation mark. Brilliant! Add in the surprise cameos from Ice Cube and J.Lo and for a moment I thought this might actually work but that feeling did not last. In the end, Anaconda felt like a joke that started strong and ended with an embarrassing shrug. The kind that makes you question why boars aren't used more often in cinema. Although Anaconda had the setup just right to roast reboot culture, somewhere along the vine they lost their nerve. Consequently, my holiday viewing wasn’t about chasing Oscar-worthy masterpieces. It was about questionable plot lines, surprise cameos and the simple joy of munching on cinema snacks…and that’s the true holiday spirit.
Hold your sea snails: The SpongeBob Movie is pure Bikini Bottom bonkers
The holidays: a time for questionable sweaters, overambitious baking projects and cinematic escapes. Enter The SpongeBob Movie: The Search for SquarePants, a title as absurd as the plot. My journey began not in a theater but at Burger King, where a SpongeBob-themed meal (complete with square neon yellow bread and a pineapple drink that may or may not have opened a wormhole) sealed my fate. The film itself? A delightful fever dream wrapped in seaweed and sprinkled with the chaotic whimsy that only Bikini Bottom can deliver. SpongeBob, of course, was his usual optimistic porous self. A sponge with a belief in the goodness of the universe which is both inspiring and mildly concerning. The jokes were cute and quite clever including a nod to Davy Jones’ locker that had me chuckling harder than I’d like to admit. However, the real virtuoso of this film was Mark Hamill as The Flying Dutchman. Hamill cackled with a gusto that could make Darth Vader reconsider his life choices. His performance was so good I half-expected him to demand Luke Skywalker’s hand as payment. Finally, let’s talk about that beachside roller coaster scene. Sadly, it looked like it was storyboarded on the back of a napkin. Charming for a 20-minute television episode but visually disappointing when projected on a big screen. Nevertheless, this movie was like visiting an old friend who hasn’t changed a bit: fun, warmhearted and exactly what you need sometimes.
My Apple Watch Registered More Action Than This Film
In the remake of The Running Man, we’re treated to a darker more socially reflective dystopia. However, director Edgar Wright seems to have misplaced a critical component: Fun.
Glen Powell, typically cool and likable, struggles in the lead role of Ben Richards. His performance veers into over-the-top territory without the magnetism to anchor it as he oscillates between angry and confused throughout the 2hr 13m run time. Then there’s his physique, which isn’t just ripped—it’s aggressively ripped. I half-expected his abdominal muscles to have their own subplot. Ironically, his hyper-chiseled physique, clearly a nod to Arnold Schwarzenegger’s Mr. Olympia days, feels more like a distracting caricature than a homage. Schwarzenegger at the height of his action hero stardom had an alluring, if not wacky, screen presence that could make even the most absurd scenarios captivating. It’s as if this film tried too hard to replicate Arnold’s iconic presence while missing what truly set Arnold apart.
As the film tries to get deep (real deep,) busily reflecting on society’s downfall it forgets the golden rule of dystopian action flicks: Ridiculous pleasure! Where are the over-the-top action sequences? The outrageous stunts? The moments that make you say, "This is so dumb... but I love it"? Instead our remade Ben Richards runs and hides. Then he runs some more: kinda like Orwellian parkour with none of the cool flips. Add in a Home Alone-esque scene and I could feel my disappointment awaken. On the bright side Coleman Domingo shows up as reliable as ever probably wondering how he ended up in this bleak treadmill of a movie. Nevertheless, his gravitas can’t match Richard Dawson’s portrayal as the game show host in the 1987 original which exuded the perfect mix of sinister appeal and unadulterated humour.
In the end, The Running Man feels like a well-constructed machine missing a vital cog. It’s hard to pinpoint exactly what’s absent but it boils down to an intangible essence. Perhaps it’s best described as a gleeful energy, a vitality that made the ’80s sci-fi genre so enjoyable to begin with. Without it this remake feels like a melancholy jog. Yes The Running Man runs, but without the fun what’s it running to?
Fasten You Funny Bone For The Naked Gun Reboot
Strap on your metaphorical seatbelts (or literal ones if you’re reading this in a moving vehicle) because Seth MacFarlane is steering this movie straight into Airplane territory—and Liam Neeson is in the driver’s seat not laughing. That’s right, Liam "I will find you" Neeson keeps a straight face while a barrage of gags explode around him. Pamela Anderson as the love interest? Check. Danny Huston as a wicked villain? Double check. The plot—wait, does it even matter? There’s enough P.L.O.T. to keep you entertained. However, here’s the tragedy: it’s only 1 hour and 25 minutes long! That’s barely enough time for me to finish my popcorn, nachos with cheese and Reese Peanut Butter cups (yes I have a healthy appetite.) Give me 15 more minutes! I need more nonsense and maybe one extra snowman love montage. Oh, and don’t you dare leave when the credits roll because they are delightfully bizarre. Plus, there’s a heartwarming tribute to Leslie Nielsen which made me smile and almost cry…but mostly smile. In conclusion: watch it, laugh until your face hurts and think twice about making a snowman this winter.
Nobody 2: More Punches, Less Patience
If Nobody left you craving more fists, fury, and fatherly charm, Nobody 2 delivers with the subtlety of a sledgehammer in a china shop. Bob Odenkirk once again dons his not-so-average dad persona, proving that John Wick might have the style, but Hutch Mansell has scrappy appeal. The sequel wastes no time literally starting mid-punch. The action is relentless, swift, and absurdly more satisfying than the original. Speaking of absurd, the vacation subplot? A delightful detour. Watching the family venture to Plummerville—reminded me of family road trips to Myrtle Beach and passing countless signs for South of the Border. (Yes, it still exists. Yes, it’s been renovated and yes, I digress.) Plummerville on the other hand looks more CNE than Canada’s Wonderland, but it fits. This isn’t a movie about glossy perfection. It’s about messy chaos wrapped in explosive action sequences. Performance-wise, Sharon Stone channels her inner Sam Rockwell while John Ortiz shows off his versatility once again. Sure, a smidge more substance would’ve been nice, but let's be real: you’re not here for existential musings. You’re here to watch Bob Odenkirk wreak havoc. Nobody 2 is a vacation from reality—cheap aesthetic and all—and I’d book a return trip any day.
I Know What You Did Last Summer Is A Nostalgic Splash with Modern Waves
Visually this film is a love letter to the 90’s: moody lighting, preppy polos and girls who look like actual people rather than walking coat hangers draped in athleisure 24/7. Madelyn Cline and Chase Sui Wonders lead the charge with over the top performances that shockingly anchor the film. The casting overall is a refreshing cocktail of talent that oozes coolness but never quite reaches the iconic chill factor of Ryan Phillippe and Sarah Michelle Gellar. The big surprise MVPs? Jennifer Love Hewitt and Freddie Prinze Jr., returning not just as Easter eggs but as pivotal players who bridge the past and present with a wink and a shiver. Of course, not everything is smooth sailing. Some plot holes are large enough to drive a fishing boat through—like the cryptic church subplot that seems to have been lifted from a different movie. Moreover, Gabbriette as the annoying podcaster is so terrible that I was actually cheering her swift exit. Despite its flaws, this latest iteration has energy while balancing reverence for its roots. It’s a fun ride—one you’ll enjoy, even if you can’t remember exactly what they did last summer.
Brad Pitt Revs Up Hollywood in this Must-See Summer Spectacle
F1: The Movie is the summer’s cinematic crown jewel, proving that you don’t need capes, clichés, or CGI to dazzle audiences. The real star of the show? Brad Pitt, whose magnetic presence is so captivating it could stick to a fridge. His performance is a hybrid of McQueen’s cool and Redford’s charm, yet unmistakably Pitt. With a killer wardrobe and a swagger that would make a peacock jealous, every scene commands your attention because of one man. The redemption-themed narrative is a fun ride, reminiscent of Top Gun and Days of Thunder, with just the right amount of heart. Nevertheless, what truly sets F1 The Movie apart is its ability to convert even the most clueless viewer into a die-hard enthusiast. The adrenaline-pumping racing sequences and hypnotic soundtrack had me suddenly fluent in Verstappen and Hamilton. Is it simply an F1 commercial? Maybe, but no more than Top Gun was an advertisement for the Navy. The magic is in its universal appeal. It’s Brad Pitt’s commanding performance that makes this movie a must-see, proving that real stars still shine bright and a well-told story with style is always a winner.
Superman: The Man of Meh
When the film started I was filled with hope. Did that feeling last for 2+ hours? Nope. To begin with Superman feels like he’s auditioning for the Guardians of the Galaxy, minus the fun and catchy soundtrack. Moreover, Lex Luthor is less criminal mastermind and more Regina George. Because nothing screams "arch-nemesis" like an emotionally stunted frat boy. While Lois Lane’s chemistry with Clark Kent is about as spicy as unseasoned chicken. Meanwhile, Ma and Pa Kent are portrayed as stereotypical country bumpkins. Oh…and don’t get me started on The Justice Gang who show up just in time to make Superman a background player in his own adventure. James Gunn was supposed to revive the DC Universe but instead he hit copy-paste on his old tricks, sprinkled in John William’s iconic score, and called it a day. Even Superman’s emblematic Fortress of Solitude feels more like an overcrowded Airbnb. Skip this one and watch Christopher Reeve and Gene Hackman get it done, because even adorable Krypto can’t save this newest incarnation from complete annihilation.
Jurassic Park Rebirth: Where Dinosaurs Roam and Excitement is Extinct.
As a loyal fan of the Jurassic Park series, I embarked on Jurassic Park Rebirth with the enthusiasm of a paleontologist unearthing a rare petrified remain. Sadly, what I found was less "T-Rex skeleton" and more pile of rocks. The movie starts with a thrilling (if not familiar,) action sequence straight out of Jaws complete with a dinosaur expert donning Hooper-esque glasses. For a brief moment, I was delighted—dinosaurs in water felt wild. Nevertheless, just as quickly as it surfaced my exhilaration quickly sank. Enter a family who, for reasons known only to their scriptwriters, thought it wise to sail in seas known for its prehistoric predators. Their storyline meanders aimlessly until they are saved by Scarlet Johansson and her squad of dinosaur hunters. The rest of the movie plays out like an extended game of hide and seek. The plot? Brittle. The characters? As high-octane as fossilized footprints. The excitement? Extinct. If Jurassic Park: Rebirth was meant to breathe new life into the franchise, it instead served as a cautionary tale on why some fossils are better left untouched.
Mission Impossible-The Final Reckoning
Mission Impossible-The Final Reckoning kicks off with a recap of past glories—a wistful montage that turns out to be the highlight of the entire film. After that brief joyride the film nosedives into endless exposition. The real mission, should you choose to accept it, is staying awake through all the confusing conversations. As for the “famed stunts,” they’re mostly MIA aside from two uninspiring sequences. Now let’s address Tom Cruise’s status as a self-proclaimed action hero. Yes the Guinness Book of World Records recognizes that he skydived 16 times with a flaming parachute strapped on, but we all know Guinness also acknowledges the world’s longest fingernails. (Just saying…) I will concede that Cruise still runs cool but even his legendary sprint has begun to feel like a rerun. The franchise clearly peaked with Ghost Protocol and since then it’s been on a downhill sprint faster than Tom himself. Oh, and Pom Klementieff, my favourite from part one, vanishes entirely in this film much like the plot’s coherence. In conclusion, The Final Reckoning aims for excitement but ends up being the cinematic equivalent of reheated leftovers: you might appreciate the effort but it just doesn’t taste the same.
Lilo & Stitch
When Lilo & Stitch was released in 2002 I wasn’t particularly impressed. Unlike the Little Mermaid, Aladdin and Beauty and the Beast, I felt it lacked the catchy songs and refined artistry that typified the studio in the 80’s and 90’s. Consequently, I ventured into the live-action version hoping Disney might finally deliver. The actress playing Lilo ( Maia Kealoha,) is outstanding and brings an adorable spunk and authenticity throughout every scene. The retro feel and cameo by Jason Scott Lee had me leaving the theater satisfied… that is until I rewatched the cartoon. Here are my concerns: The addition of nostalgic characters played by Tia Carrere and Amy Hill was unnecessary. The transformation of the aliens into human form fell flat due to Zack Galifianakis’ inability to add the expected humour, The ending was different and completely lacked all emotion. Moreover, key items were missing—where was the iconic hula dance with Lilo & Stitch? Why was the strong Elvis Presley presence downgraded severely? Even small details, like Stitch’s ability to play music by opening his mouth, lost its charm in translation. The original Lilo & Stitch was fun, heartfelt and had a natural flow. The live-action adaptation however, feels like a watered-down version. Once again, it makes me wish Disney would focus on creating new original content rather than relying on remakes to stay relevant.
Fight or Flight
Never heard of Fight or Flight? You’re not alone but here’s the deal: while the supporting cast delivers performances as memorable as your last grocery receipt, Josh Hartnett absolutely steals the show. He’s cool, charismatic and looks like he moonlights as an action hero in his spare time. The action? Absurd, thrilling and fun but let’s be honest—you’re here for Josh and he doesn’t disappoint. Flaws? Sure but with Hartnett on screen, who’s even paying attention.
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Proof That Sinners Can Deliver At The Box Office
Sinners follows twin brothers as they return home. The goal is to host the ultimate party, however vampires disrupt their festivities. Michael B. Jordan delivers another stellar performance as both twins, seamlessly transitioning between “Smoke” and “Stack” Moore. The opening scene where he passes a cigarette to his twin self is visually perfect. As the story progresses, the twins evolve from personal goal-setters to leaders of a movement.
What makes this movie extra special is that it provides love, drama, humor and horror all in equal measure. When the vampires finally arrived, I was fully invested in the lives of each character. Delta Slim, Mary and Annie are all well-developed. Moreover, Miles Canton, as Preacher Boy, gives a musical number that is not only memorable but foreshadows a post credit scene that is totally worth it. On the flip side, Jack O’Connell stands out as Remmick, an Irish vampire, who abolishes all bloodsucker stereotypes by serving as a definitive bait-and-switch artist.
By the time the pickled garlic and stakes came out I knew I watching something fresh. The action in Sinners is thrilling but what makes it exceptional is how it cleverly combines 1932 issues with modern messiness. Consequently, as I was immersed in the action, with all its gore and exhilaration, it became apparent to me that this supernatural fight was relatable to everyone in the cinema. Sinners is a phenomenon precisely because it is a tale of resilience in the face of oppression: universal truths we can all enjoy.
Drop Hits Hard and Doesn’t Let Up
As a fan of Christopher Landon (Happy Death Day,) I was practically vibrating with anticipation to see his latest creation. Spoiler alert: he doesn’t disappoint. The plot is simple: a widowed mother on a first date finds herself blackmailed into killing her date. Because nothing says “romantic evening” like murder. It’s like Hitchcock took a detour through Agatha Christie’s mind and they decided to have a dinner atop a skyscraper.
Drop is fun from start to finish, delivering an 80's vibe, complete with a chic velour jumpsuit and glitzy locale. Meghann Fahy and Brandon Sklenar bring depth and authenticity to their roles, which is crucial, given that much of the supporting cast leans towards over-the-top performances. Nevertheless, these “eccentric” characters add a layer of suspicion and tension which kept me guessing at every turn. The cinematography also stood out, particularly the innovative use of blending digital elements with the physical environment. This technique enhanced the storytelling by visually integrating crucial information without disrupting the narrative flow.
Drop’s impact on the thriller genre lies in its ability to blend classic suspense with modern storytelling. Landon’s approach kept me on edge as I navigated each unexpected twist. Moral of the movie: social media is a killer waste of time.
Novocaine is No Pain but All Gain
Centered around Assistant Bank Manager “Nate” (Jack Quaid,) we meet a man incapable of feeling pain. Numbed both literally and figuratively: Nate avoids eating solid food for fear of biting his own tongue off and avoids heartbreak by being socially aloof. The plot takes a turn when Nate sets off to rescue his dream girl.
This film is not for the faint of heart. It's a very squeamish watch but it is notable in its portrayal of a character who cannot perceive injury by showcasing it in all of its visceral glory. In Nate’s world, fourth-degree burns are a means to an end while exposed bones become unexpected shanks. Consequently, creating a video game-like quality in which obstacles bring new challenges and leveling up is achieved with a shot of adrenaline.
Novocaine relies on two actors with famous parents to propel this unconventional story. Never a big fan of Jack Quaid, I now find myself enamored by his boyish charm and comic timing. I especially enjoyed the delightful stammer he evoked with each confrontation. This kept me smiling even when wincing was more appropriate. Ray Nicholson on the other hand lacks the acting chops to pull off a convincing baddie (or even goodie for that matter.) Nicholson has an inability to emote and continually kills all tension with each line he sputters… and eventually over delivers. Nevertheless, whether you’re a fan of gritty action, considerable blood or even romance, Novocaine has it all. The cherry on top is watching Jack Quaid give his first commanding performance.
Black Bag Is A Mixed Bag
Black Bag revolves around the story of a traitor within British Intelligence and the man, George Woodhouse (Michael Fassbender.) charged with hunting them down. The plot gets tricky when we learn the traitor might be Woodhouse’s own wife.
Soderbergh's direction in Black Bag showcases his ability to reinvent and surprise his audience. Focusing on limited locations and intimate storytelling, Soderbergh attempts to prove that sometimes less is more. With a distinct stage play quality, the driving force of this film is the dialogue. While at times too complex, the intellectual battles and psychological warfare amongst characters keeps it interesting. It is during two dinner scenes in particular that I witnessed top-tier acting all around. Kudos to both Marisa Abela (Back To Black) and Tom Burke (Furiosa) for being more than just pawns and leaving the audience gobsmacked at their true motives.
While enjoyable in regards to character development, I must admit I was expecting some James Bond-style action. Since this story is about spies would it have been so hard to add some close-quarters combat or even Kraft Maga? Moreover, be prepared to be habitually confused by the plot, but it’s Soderbergh, so at least it will be stylishly perplexing.
Love Cuts Deep In Heart Eyes
Heart Eyes combines the excitement of the most romantic day of year with the intensity of homicidal madness. Set against a seemingly idyllic Valentine’s Day, “The Heart Eyes Killer" targets and hunts down couples.
By far my favourite part of this movie is Mason Gooding (yup Cuba’s son.) Gooding delivers a standout performance in Heart Eyes, marked by a spectacular smile and natural charisma. His on-screen presence oozes magnetism as he adeptly navigates through the quintessential slasher flick tropes. Moreover, the chemistry between Gooding and Olivia Holt adds a delightful layer of romantic banter rarely seen within the genre. Nevertheless, Heart Eyes is not limited to sentimental exchanges and chiseled abs, there is a whole lot of blood designed to gross you out from start to finish.
If there’s one thing that could use improving in this film however, it would have to be the villain. The glowing mask looked great but we never become privy to all the juicy details regarding the killer’s motivations. A more detailed backstory, akin to Billie Loomis' in Scream, would have elevated this murderer to cult-like status. While Heart Eyes does not give us the killer payoff we deserve it is still a fun flick. The pace will keep you on your toes and Mason Gooding will win you over.
Heretic is a cerebral puzzle wrapped in a cinematic enigma
Heretic kicks off smartly with a premise involving two young female Mormons trying to recruit new members to their church. Their journey leads them to the doorstep of Hugh Grant just as the heavens open up.
Grant, in a delightful twist, ditches his charming stammer and delivers a performance that is as creepily good as it is unsettling. In his 60’s, he still possesses that coolness that can’t be bottled therefore making the scene with the “freshly baked blueberry pie” even more wicked. Up to this point I’m loving this movie and then it takes a sharp left turn into bizarro land. The rest of Heretic is a confusing jumble on religion and faith. It aspires to delve into profound themes and tries to shock us in the end, meanwhile the story loses complete coherence and meanders for well over an hour. It’s comparable to a first date where your companion is trying to impress you with all their knowledge until you finally realize it's all filler; they really are just a loser and not very smart to boot.
While the film aspires to investigate philosophical ideals, the initial spark is extinguished quickly. Consequently, leaving the viewer with more questions than answers. The divine timing is entirely off with Heretic leaving only emaciated celluloid in its wake.
Presence is all chill without the thrill
I recently watched Steven Soderbergh’s Presence and I was prepared to be impressed, especially with David Koepp (Jurassic Park, Panic Room, Spider-Man) as the screenwriter. Impressed… not quite, but I was let down.
Firstly, the acting was incredibly weak. In the first few moments alone I half-expected the entire cast to start asking for directions to the nearest acting school. Secondly, there was a lot of talk in the pre-show clip about the special camera technique Soderbergh used in Presence. While the camera floated between rooms like a “ghost,” it was as groundbreaking as a new flavour of vanilla ice cream. A younger Soderbergh had a flair for seamlessly combining storytelling with sleek cinematography, sadly both are missing in this film. Thirdly, while the film introduces a mysterious element it never achieves Poltergeist levels of intensity. The ending does manage to sprinkle in some excitement with a second story nose-dive but it was all too little too late.
Presence does not redefine cinema and it does not redefine the supernatural genre. Instead it putters about the house being more of a annoyance then fearful entity. I wonder why both Koepp or Soderbergh have resigned themselves to taking fewer risks and creating subpar work. Meanwhile, iconic filmmakers like Martin Scorsese continue to have the same passion for their recent movies that they had in their earlier works.