Hail Mary Is A Space Epic With No Atmosphere

Hail Mary is proof that just because a movie is “Certified Fresh” doesn’t mean it isn’t rotten at the core.  I’ve written a lot of brutal reviews lately because, frankly, the movies have earned them, but I really hoped this one might break the streak.  A 95% score promised something smart, thrilling, maybe even transporting.  Instead, Hail Mary is spectacularly stupid.

Ryan Gosling plays Ryland Grace, a genius middle-school teacher who somehow becomes humanity’s last hope when Earth is facing a catastrophic freeze.  Apparently, when the planet is dying, the world’s greatest minds look around and decide the answer is not a top astronaut or a hardened survival expert, but a schoolteacher in a flattering sweater.  The premise is ridiculous before the rocket even leaves the ground, and once it does, the movie somehow finds new ways to get dumber.

Gosling, who was terrific in Barbie, feels completely wrong here.  I miss the Gosling of Lars and the Real Girl or The Notebook: awkward, specific, human.  Here, he looks less like a man under unimaginable pressure and more like someone who got lost on the way to a luxury skincare campaign.  He’s drifting through deep space during a civilization-ending emergency, yet his hair stays lush, his skin is camera-ready, his body stays gym-toned and his collection of fitted T-shirts remains weirdly enviable.  Apparently, interstellar radiation now works like a Sephora loyalty program.

Then the movie drops in its alien, a rock-spider creature that oscillates between vaguely cute and mostly baffling.  The film asks us to believe that Grace can not only communicate with this thing, but team up with it to solve a galactic crisis.  On the page, perhaps, this plays as inventive.  On screen, it is ludicrous.  The plot trudges through endless science babble, sprinkled with emotional beats that land with the grace of a space shuttle missing its runway.  You would think the two directors could locate a single pulse beneath all this.  They do not.  Hail Mary is bloated, implausible, and lifeless.  Certified Fresh?  Please.  Certified Nonsense.